Entanglement of Living

I’m living entangled between two dreams. One is the life I have been living for 26 years. The other is the life I want to be living from now on. I feel squeezed and stretched by the separation of these two very different ways of living. The emotional pain of the passage from one into the other is like nothing I’ve ever felt.

The pain isn’t caused by the passage from one dream to another, but by the observation of the damage I caused while in my previous state. It’s clear to me the nightmare nature of my life and how I infused that at some level into everything I did and everyone I interacted with.

I’m afraid for the pain to go away in a sense because it has become a sign of my awakening. This pain is new. It isn’t like the pain of being asleep or of anything else. It’s iterative. The painful awareness of the nature of the old dream reminds me that it is an old dream lived in by someone who I am no longer. I am innocent as all who suffer a mental illness are, but I remain responsible and bound towards reciprocity for how I was and what I did. Waking up. Making amends. That’s what this is about.

By dreams I mean systems of thought and perception that create beliefs and associated ways of behaving, seeing, and growing within those systems. Some of those systems are more obvious than others. Our parents ways of thinking are relatively easy to find out and see how they’ve influenced our own perceptions. Other systems are more subtle. Tiny slivers of ideas that seem so innocuous and from our own belief system, they they don’t register as systemic until many ears later.

The depression I feel as a result of this process of moving beyond these controlling systems is profound and debilitating. It is for Asha as well. When the dream you’ve been living is so hurtful and distant from your souls’s true desires and needs, and when the people around you don’t understand what’s happening and get in your way, the pain of emergence is equaled only by the desperation to be free.

To be free from the obligations of the one dream and become solely entangled with the other is one goal of this process, but not the only one. The other goal for us is to emerge into a dream-space where there are other awakening souls.