Gainfully Unemployed

I got turned down for another job the other day. A local one I really wanted this time, so it hurts a bit more than the others. I can’t keep track of the number of resumes I’ve sent out to either rejections or radio silence — or a combination of both — over the past thirteen months. Some of them I wasn’t qualified for, and some of them I was over-qualified for, and some I wasn’t mentally capable of doing, but for whatever the reasons, these rejections have been laying themselves out like guardrails on the highway I find myself cruising along.

Each “no” blocks me from leaving the highway of music that I’m driving all day long. I don’t know where it leads, and it’s not an easy one to drive, but there is a sheer joy in the travel that I can’t deny. I’m composing songs again, feeling alive again. It’s fantastic in that sense. From another perspective, we’re poor as fuck.

Yes we depend on the local food shelf for or meals, can’t afford new or updated clothes, and I owe a lot of money, but there is a satisfaction in knowing that — when I’m able to be objective — there are powerful moments in time on this road that have helped me heal, compose, and recover. And those few times overwhelm for me the direness of our financial situation. We own our home, for which I’m grateful. If we rented, we would be homeless by now. So we have a place to live and — with help from lots of people — we’ve been able to keep the lights on. So far. And I want to make it worth their help and support. So the more I heal, the more I do.

And that’s being gainfully unemployed. Unemployedfulness? I’ve earned back from the depths of mental illness my ability to enjoy the moment of things regardless of the context of their occurrence. Yes, our power is scheduled to be disconnected sometime after tomorrow if I can’t come up with $500, but at the same time, I have a moment in time now so precious, and I can’t risk wasting any of it.

These are some of the songs I’ve been working on for the past few weeks. Please enjoy knowing that you’re supporting me while I try to claim as many peaceful moments as I can from a chaotic and confusing existence.

Thanks for reading, and if you want to support more of what I’m doing, and maybe help Danielle and I support others, consider a donation to Midheaven, the spiritual healing, arts and music center we founded last fall. At the core of everything I’m doing with music and how I’m able to be mentally well enough to be here is a deep spirituality and sense of cooperative connection. That sense of a true belonging is why we founded Midheaven. We’re hoping to provide space and time for others to find themselves through art and music as we have been doing these past few years. We have a lot of plans for the future despite the pressures of the past and present.

Be well, and thanks for reading. 🙏🏼🎶💜