Day in the life

We’re doing the mastering for “Simultaneously Alive” now, which means Danielle is taking over a lot of the specific finalities as producer — as well as recording some vocals –, which also means I have a lot of time on my hands being just the songwriter and being all jobless and whatnot. I thought it would be fun to write about what a typical day for me is like because — as I’ve mentioned before on Facebook — I like to imagine that people are interested in that kind of thing. Also, as a recovering whatever-the-hell-I-was-suffering-from-noun, writing things like this helps me remember the journey I’ve had to take to get to where I am. Otherwise, I tend to forget. Not quite a Memento issue, but it’s fair to say that every 5 – 6 days I need to be reminded for a few days sometimes hour to hour who I am and why I’m here until I can find my footing again. This is one of those footing-seeking times, and my music writing is on hold for now, so here we are!

Typically, I spend my days writing music, puttering on projects at the house and/or for Midheaven, trying to find meaningful and gainful income, and sometimes wandering in a confused, child-like fog. I’ve had the fog for a few years now. I made it worse through self-caused concussions over the past couple of years. I’ve been unemployed since March of 2023 because of extenuating circumstances related to a mental break I had in the spring of 2022, which deserves a tale of its own, if a short one.

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While our shared healing journey began in March of 2020, my personal one started two Octobers ago. Danielle and I were able to spend two weeks in the Amazon with Shipibo Shamans participating in Ayahuasca ceremonies in the fall of 2021. As a result of those experiences, I was granted the objectivity to see who I had become in my life.

I could see in a moment not only how far astray from music or what job I had become, but also the way I had been treating friends and family and co-workers, my lack of integrity, my shortcomings as to what I felt I could be as a man, a person, a citizen of the earth. I saw beautiful visions and truths about her, my only love. Then I remembered things beyond my reckoning, how I had been treating her.

The shell of identity I had constructed around the abyss of emptiness caused by childhood abuse — which I could also now see — shattered what was left of me. We arrived back in Vermont, back to this same childhood home, back to the same life, while I carried those new and profound realizations with me and no place I could think to put them. I struggled to reintegrate to my old life, but it wasn’t possible because of the extent of my now unveiled mental health problems.

I lost my mind while bearing witness to these new realizations about myself — both what I had become and how I was treated as a child — and there was nothing left but dark questions and — as far as I could tell — no chance of escape for myself. By my 47th birthday, my world had shattered. I didn’t know myself or my family anymore, and by October of 2022 I had forced Danielle out of the house into a woman’s shelter with my outbursts and insane ramblings.

I was completely unstable and had become a shell of a person, lost myself in having lost Danielle, and I became and did wretched things. Professionally by that time, I was put on a performance improvement plan, but I knew my mental health was beyond broken and I would eventually be unable to do my job.

There’s a lot to tell about the time between October 2022 and March 2023, but for the sake of this being a day in my life, I’ll keep it short (check out ‘Faces of Change‘ for more about this). Danielle and I reconciled and showed me that I need to heal my mental health (I didn’t realize what I had become…), and open my heart, because I had lost access to any sense of self. I was unable to do my duties as an employee in the white-collar world anymore, so they parted company with me, and I’ve been continuing to try and recover since. I’ve made some solid progress.

The light is rising, it seems, though slowly. As we have healed and reconciled in our love and care for each other, and while our musical path has continued, we’ve unfortunately — but not un-poetically, if I’m being honest — become financially destitute. Gainful employment seems elusive still, though I am actively seeking meaningful work in my field of design, systems management/theory, leadership, etc. I’ve gotten no offers in over a year of active looking. I know that my mental health is an issue, so social security is researching whether I am fit for some kind of mental health financial repreive while I rehabilitate myself into a new way of being in the world. And I am in treatment and slowly finding my way back to a connectedness to the present that I haven’t had in a very long time.

While that goes on, howevrer, the utilities are always two weeks away from being shut off; we’re driving a donated, unregistered vehicle that needs to be road-worthy by Tuesday; cannabis — which we use for my mental health and Danielle’s neurology — is often not available for lack of funds/growing ability; we’ve worn the same clothes for more than a year. Our daughter needs shoes and clothes. On the plus side, we own our home, and state benefits along with our local foodshelf provide groceries and some support. Music has been our salvation, and working on this album in the midst of all the questions, complexity, and chaos has been profoundly useful in helping me stay focused and keep above the tendrils of thought that had so often dragged me down to their level. The last few days have been difficult, but it’s nice to be able to take the time and write about them (Danielle has been trying for years to get me to write again … ).

So, a day in the life is mostly internal lately, with a tendency and desire to get back to the world in a meaningful way. I hope that music is one of those ways. Finding some kind of reprieve from our lack of resources is also one of those ways, and I am hopeful. Because of the course of my life and what I have been allowed to witness over the years, I live in faith that we will be alright. It’s a matter of orienteering. Keep sight of the landmark ahead knowing it will lead to another, watch your feet as you walk so you don’t get tangled in the brush, and trust your compass.

If you’d like to help us out, please check out my music on Spotify or Soundcloud, also give Danielle’s tunes — as Sun Trine Lilith — some love! Hiring me for meaningful consulting work would also be a great way to assist! Donations are always welcome through Midheaven which we use to keep the lights on, buy food when we need it, and make repairs on the property towards being able to share space with others.

Thank you for reading, and I hope to hear from you soon.

🙏🏼🎶💜