Sabin of the Green Mountains
Peak experiences—whether from plant medicine, meditation retreat, spiritual emergency, or spontaneous awakening—have a way of feeling conclusive. Like you’ve finally broken through, seen the truth, become the person you were always meant to be. The clarity is so profound, the shift so undeniable, that it’s easy to believe the transformation is complete. For me, rather, […]
I’ve decided to more fully open up to offering spiritual and integration guidance, so I want to share reflections on the praxis of personal healing and spiritual integration alongside my other writing. These pieces draw from my own journey through dissociation, awakening, and the slow work of becoming whole. If you’re navigating your own transformative […]
The last time I tried to post here, I pulled it after a day or so. I was trying something new, and it wasn’t my style. First of all, it was a traveling post, which I should’ve avoided. Traveling isn’t as easy for me as it used to be, and it felt at first like I was reconnecting with the world with that post, but really it was awkward for me. Secondly, because it didn’t resonate with me in the morning.
For a long time, I’ve been calling my departure from a life of forced labor “leaving the corporate world.” But I think that’s been a misshaping of the truth. What I’ve really been doing is pulling away from the part of me that longed for external approval and that felt compelled to follow someone else’s rules without questioning the impact of that on my soul.
I’ve been ruminating all day, and I think I’m just going to relegate today to a general checking in. How are all of you? It’s Tuesday, April 1st at about 7 p.m. It’s been over two years since I could handle even a small set of responsibilities. It feels good to be able to stand — albeit a little wobbily — after the stumbling.
One of the challenges of living with the kind of mental state I work with is remembering a complete flow of life. Waking up tomorrow holding on to what I’ve accomplished or learned from today is a conscious effort for me, just shy of tattooing (which I’ve seriously considered doing, Memento). I think it has something to do with the hypnosis as a child, or maybe just side effects from the PTSD, but either way, I’ve decided to devote some time on Sundays to check in with what I did and tried to do the previous week.
Living with mental illness feels like standing at the edge of a black hole, caught between worlds. The pull of chaos and confusion is relentless, making it hard to reach out, to be heard, or to understand. But there’s a secret in the storm: observation. In those rare moments of calm, we find the strength to communicate, to connect, and to hold on.
For most of my life, I stressed about proving myself and achieving perfection, but everything changed four years ago when I discovered the beauty of dilettantism—engaging in things out of love and curiosity rather than obligation. Experiences like Ayahuasca and mindfulness taught me to embrace imperfection and just be present. Now, I create without the pressure to excel and believe exploration is more valuable than mastery. It’s about joy and freedom, not achievement.
Releasing Where’ve You Been? feels like setting loose a collection of bottled messages into the ocean—each one containing fragments of my life, some drifting to distant shores, others caught in unexpected currents. The messages are written, and now I’m watching the tides carry them away to unknown destinations, hoping that there’s a connection when they […]
Later that year — the same year I had a spiritual awakening and fell profoundly in love — it came up that my mother hypnotized me nightly from about 2 years old to the age of 9 or 10 or so.
