Sabin of the Green Mountains
I’ve been ruminating all day, and I think I’m just going to relegate today to a general checking in. How are all of you? It’s Tuesday, April 1st at about 7 p.m. It’s been over two years since I could handle even a small set of responsibilities. It feels good to be able to stand — albeit a little wobbily — after the stumbling.
One of the challenges of living with the kind of mental state I work with is remembering a complete flow of life. Waking up tomorrow holding on to what I’ve accomplished or learned from today is a conscious effort for me, just shy of tattooing (which I’ve seriously considered doing, Memento). I think it has something to do with the hypnosis as a child, or maybe just side effects from the PTSD, but either way, I’ve decided to devote some time on Sundays to check in with what I did and tried to do the previous week.
Living with mental illness feels like standing at the edge of a black hole, caught between worlds. The pull of chaos and confusion is relentless, making it hard to reach out, to be heard, or to understand. But there’s a secret in the storm: observation. In those rare moments of calm, we find the strength to communicate, to connect, and to hold on.
For most of my life, I stressed about proving myself and achieving perfection, but everything changed four years ago when I discovered the beauty of dilettantism—engaging in things out of love and curiosity rather than obligation. Experiences like Ayahuasca and mindfulness taught me to embrace imperfection and just be present. Now, I create without the pressure to excel and believe exploration is more valuable than mastery. It’s about joy and freedom, not achievement.
Releasing Where’ve You Been? feels like setting loose a collection of bottled messages into the ocean—each one containing fragments of my life, some drifting to distant shores, others caught in unexpected currents. The messages are written, and now I’m watching the tides carry them away to unknown destinations, hoping that there’s a connection when they […]
Later that year — the same year I had a spiritual awakening and fell profoundly in love — it came up that my mother hypnotized me nightly from about 2 years old to the age of 9 or 10 or so.
One of the defining characteristics of my personality for the past 30 years has been a decided lack of integrity. Deadlines, promises, schedules, appointments: these were all fluid in my mind, and I frequently ignored them. I was good at justifying why I couldn’t make a doctor’s appointment, or why I didn’t need to attend […]
Thanks for stopping by my journal. This space is important to me because I’m having a difficult time finding a place for myself in this world. It was like that when I was young, and also as I pulled Danielle and I into our abyss, and it’s moreso now that we’re emerging into our actual […]
We’re doing the mastering for “Simultaneously Alive” now, which means Danielle is taking over a lot of the specific finalities as producer — as well as recording some vocals –, which also means I have a lot of time on my hands being just the songwriter and being all jobless and whatnot. I thought it […]
I got turned down for another job the other day. A local one I really wanted this time, so it hurts a bit more than the others. I can’t keep track of the number of resumes I’ve sent out to either rejections or radio silence — or a combination of both — over the past […]
